Saturday, October 13, 2012

Lesson 1: Death (Part 3)

My Mother passed away on Monday evening.

It's now the early hours of Friday.

I'm alone. It's quiet for the first time in a long time. I close my eyes. I see her face. Her beautiful, kind face. Asleep. At peace, after fighting so long. My God, she fought and fought with every fibre in her body. I am so proud of her. It made me feel ashamed, as I am not one that clings to life, eats life, savours life. No, I am one who who could throw it away, fall away.

I hate the film, I would tell her. I want to walk out. Why should I stay if I know I don't like it? I've seen it before and it never changes. Watch it again, she would say, maybe you're missing something? But I can't see anything? I know the plot, I know the script, so I stare and stare and look for... I don't know what.

She gave me life, she protected and loved me. Supported me. Encouraged me. And she was kind and gentle and funny. But above all she loved life. Loved everything about it. Why? She had cause not to. Her childhood was so hard. Life didn't love her and yet she didn't let that break her. It hurt her and scarred her and never left her but she kept loving... her family, her friends, life.

And forgiveness. She forgave those who hurt her. She just couldn't hate.

Not like me. I can't forgive so easily. Those that hurt me or my loved ones are burnt into my very being. Forgive? Maybe. Forget? Never. I've changed, as we all do as we get older. Life has made me a harder  person and as a result I've become emotionally more detached, more sceptical, of life, colder, more wary to let people in. I don't need to. I don't want to. The wagons started circling years ago. There are no gaps now. The drawbridge is up. The doors are bolted but to a few.

And now? Now she's gone. Can I learn from this? Can I learn from her. To try to accept life as it is, as she did, without hate, without bitterness, without recrimination? Not as I want and think life should be or how people are and act but accept things as they are? If I could just have a piece of her humility and zest for life that she had, I would be a better man.

She stayed so strong and fought so hard and wouldn't let go. She loved life.

I will try. For her.